- March 29th, 2009
Today was one of those days were you feel like you still haven't woken up yet. When i woke up i wrote about my friends as if i was explaining them to someone who didn't know them yet. I explained in complete truth and honest opinion. I sent only maddy, veronica, and lauren their paragraphs. They liked it a lot, and maddy and veronica put it on their myspaces. I think they liked it so much beacuse it truly is what i think about when i think about them. I was planning to just stay at my house all day but my mom wanted me to come to her nersing home. So I did at about 12. Though on the ride the rain gave me a really ominous feeling. For some reason i felt like something was going to happen durring that car ride. I guess i got scared because of all the great things i wrote about the people i cared for, the rain and this gut feeling. My dad asked me why i looked sad. I told him nothing but he kept pushing like he always does. I ended up telling him and he acted like i was a total freak. He got really weirded out and kept asking me why and just made me feel like i was the only human on the planet afraid of death. I could tell he didn't know what to do or say. He started by saying that i have everything, good friends, good grades and a good home life and that he has no one and he's still surviving. At that point i started to cry because i'm selfish. He then began to blame it on my chemical romance. I stopped crying and told him that they help me through things like this. I explained to him that this happens from time to time, and i get over it. I thought it was normal.
I still think it is normal. As children we don't think about god, death, life, time, love, or anything but having fun. As we change from children to teenager our psyches change and we start to think about these things. Some teenage minds (like mine) can't handle it all at once. I never know where to start pondering, i never know how to form my opinions, i never know what truth i should sulk about or which i should celebrate. I wonder things like "what if there's nothing after death" which makes me really depressed. So many other of those topics that just squeeze the life out of me. Though i think it's normal for teenagers to be overwhelmed by the truth. I explained to my dad that i'd much rather wonder and think about life's mysteries and be sad but eventually get tougher for it, than not wonder and not care. He understood but ran straight for the "L-word". He talked about how his only friend comited suicide. He talked about how he has no one. Nothing makes me cry the most than my dad. I have to try my hardest not to cry sometimes when he calls me around my friends. I never knew him where he wasn't miserible.
I need to stop. Goodnight.