I've felt infinite a few times in my life. That feeling where you wouldn't mind the day or the moment would repeat forever. It's a little scary to think like that, but i've felt it many times before. I'm lucky.

2006: Spending New Years eve making a horor movie with Lauren & Alyssa
2007: Driving through New Jersey with my dad
2007: Walking to QFC with maddy & veronica to buy chalk
2007: Ice Skating in "The Mall of Asia" with my cousin in the philippines
2007: Seeing Gerard roll out on a stretcher at my first my chemical romance show
2008: With my arm around someone i just met singing and crying to Disenchanted live. 
2008: Walking home with Lauren
2008: Talking about Bob Bryar on the phone with Lauren
2008: "The Day at Maddy's house"
2008: Crazy Lactose
2009: Walking to the lake near maddy's house with Veronica, Alexis, and Maddy
2009: A trip to Seattle with Veronica, Lucas, and Blake.
2009: My 15th birthday
2009: A trip to Seattle with Veronica, Alexis, and Katlyn

These are the times in my life where i really felt like i belonged somewhere.

 Today was one of those days were you feel like you still haven't woken up yet. When i woke up i wrote about my friends as if i was explaining them to someone who didn't know them yet. I explained in complete truth and honest opinion. I sent only maddy, veronica, and lauren their paragraphs. They liked it a lot, and maddy and veronica put it on their myspaces. I think they liked it so much beacuse it truly is what i think about when i think about them. I was planning to just stay at my house all day but my mom wanted me to come to her nersing home. So I did at about 12. Though on the ride the rain gave me a really ominous feeling. For some reason i felt like something was going to happen durring that car ride. I guess i got scared because of all the great things i wrote about the people i cared for, the rain and this gut feeling. My dad asked me why i looked sad. I told him nothing but he kept pushing like he always does. I ended up telling him and he acted like i was a total freak. He got really weirded out and kept asking me why and just made me feel like i was the only human on the planet afraid of death. I could tell he didn't know what to do or say. He started by saying that i have everything, good friends, good grades and a good home life and that he has no one and he's still surviving. At that point i started to cry because i'm selfish. He then began to blame it on my chemical romance. I stopped crying and told him that they help me through things like this. I explained to him that this happens from time to time, and i get over it. I thought it was normal.

I still think it is normal. As children we don't think about god, death, life, time, love, or anything but having fun. As we change from children to teenager our psyches change and we start to think about these things. Some teenage minds (like mine) can't handle it all at once. I never know where to start pondering, i never know how to form my opinions, i never know what truth i should sulk about or which i should celebrate. I wonder things like "what if there's nothing after death" which makes me really depressed. So many other of those topics that just squeeze the life out of me. Though i think it's normal for teenagers to be overwhelmed by the truth. I explained to my dad that i'd much rather wonder and think about life's mysteries and be sad but eventually get tougher for it, than not wonder and not care. He understood but ran straight for the "L-word". He talked about how his only friend comited suicide. He talked about how he has no one. Nothing makes me cry the most than my dad. I have to try my hardest not to cry sometimes when he calls me around my friends. I never knew him where he wasn't miserible. 

I need to stop. Goodnight.

 Is deffinatly one of those days where the wheather matches my mood.

It's really rainy today. :/

Cheyenne told me to update my livejournal...

So i am.

if life were sims then she would have gained 20 influence points.

Anyway, I've been learning a lot of acoustic songs lately. Five minutes ago i was playing fat and alone. I'm also attempting pop songs on acoustic guitar, just for kicks. I'm learning whatever you like.  I've been really sick. I was really sick today and tried to stay home but at like 9ish my mom started nagging about the house, so i went to school. When i got there i had to run the pacer, when we run back and forth until we can't anymore. I usually get around 40 laps, but today i only did 18 because by 10 i felt like i was gonna pass out. I pretty much felt like shit the whole day, but i hope tomorrow i'll feel better because i'm going to katlyn's house. 

My parents kept droping the "L bomb" on me. Where they talk about how lonely they are and  then get real sympathetic because i feel lonely all the time but their lonliness is 200 times worse. I mean all they have is eachother and they kind of don't like eachother haha. What kind of life is that? Though, i know there is much worce but when someone's down i think it's the most obnoxious thing to say "Hey, it could be worse" because that just makes you feel like a selfish fuck. heh. 

I haven't been writing much lately but i've been reading a lot. I'm reading a book called The Perks Of Being a Wallflower and so far it's a really really great book! I guess what make's it so good is the rare personality of Charlie. I catch myself writing like him right now actually, but he's so cute and he trys to do everything right. He's got an adorable writing style and a pure heart. He wants to be a writer when he grows up, he reads a lot, and sometimes it seems like he doesn't sin. He's an amazing character. If only there were people in the world like Charlie. Which again makes me hate this book, because there are SO LITTLE people like him. It's unrealistic. I do want someone to prove me wrong though. haha. I guess i like the Catcher in the Rye so much because everyone is like Holden. Everyone comes to a time in their life where they just hate the behaviors of people.

I'm going off in weird directions. Thanks Cheyenne for telling me to do this, cause at first i had no idea what i'd write about but look ^ 3 paragraphs. I feel like my brain just took a shower and it's clean of all those random thoughts. haha.

PS. i'm to lazy to spell check.

 Extra time before
school, about 15 minutes
to kill. Muffin time?
Tags: , ,

Holden Caulfield syndrome.
Nothings wrong. So why do I all the sudden hate everyone and everything?

Why do i constantly feel jaded and alone?

I need to stop acting like Holden Caulfield

who spills mustard in the hallways?
My brain branches:

I suddenly feel very lonely and i don't know why.

It seems as if each day throws more questions at me and very few answers. Like the subject ^. That's a good fuckin' question, though i have a hunch it's an asshole that eats hot dogs by the lockers at lunch. I've been swearing a lot more lately. Honestly, it's just for unnecessary emphasis.

My spell check never gives me any suggestions. I spelled unnecessary like this ---> unnesessary and my spell check told me to figure it out myself. My computer enjoys making me look like a dumbass1. In the constant battle with me vs spelling, spelling always wins. I took a vocabulary test last week and i got every answer right except for the spelling of the words. That's ridiculous2.

I currently have a lisp and a toothache. Lisp because my orthodontist3 has added something new to my braces. It makes my right cheek get in the way of my molars and making my mouth not able to close all the way when speaking. In turn, giving me a lisp. I told my dad about this and he said that i should be glad i wasn't a boy with a lisp...I don't really see the difference.

My fish just sits at the bottom of his tank, he never swims around anymore...I think he's lonely4.

I don't think i could ever be a novelist. One: because there would be much to many spelling mistakes for my editor to catch and two: I constantly digress from the original topic. In The Catcher In The Rye holden talks about a speech making class that he failed and whenever someone would divert to a different topic the bastards in the class would yell "digression!" and they'd get an F. I'd fail that class so fast.


1:(Which is underlined in red and it suggests i put a space between ass and hole. Not gonna happen)
2: Which i spelled wrong on the first try.
3: I go to a place called "Gentle Dental" it's really ironic...
4: I can't buy another fish to go in the tank because this fish was given to me because it ate all the other fish in my friend's tank. If i could compromise with this fish and make an agreement that if i buy him a mate he can't eat her. My fish is nameless.

Music, Comedy, Relationships, Politics, Literature, Government, Weather, Culture, and Religion could it just be to preoccupy us? To lead us a way from the cold truth? To ignore the end or the future which leads to the end. 90% of what I think about has no relevance to what life's truly about. Fuck, 90% of my thoughts feel pointless. Fighting to survive for what? To be remembered when dead? To have impact? Impact on what? Impact life on this earth that seems so temporary and meaningless. Humans believe we're the smartest because we've made up so many things to distract us from seaking the point in life, though doesn't that mean we are the most ignorant?

 Okay, third time i've had to retype this and it's really pissing me off. >.<

Which of the seven deadly sins—sloth, greed, lust, gluttony, anger, envy, and pride—are you most likely to commit?

Sloth: The most common with teenagers. I'm lazy, i don't take action, i procrastinate, and i give no thought to the future. This gets me in trouble a lot and could really screw me over in the end. I've began to change and my grades have gotten better because of it. Though i always wait for things to come to me instead of me reaching out and grabbing them.

Envy: The ugliest sin. It makes parts of my personality impure and plummets my self esteem. I try to hide it has much as i can because it really is awful. I get jealous of knowledge, relationships, dexterity, and skills but never material things. Envy is the creator of most of my depression because the things that you try to hide will eventually consume you. I need to learn to not to compare myself to others.

Writer's Block: In a Former Life
Do you believe in reincarnation? If your answer is "yes," describe some of your past lives.
I don't actually, but i like to pretend i had passed lives which include:

-A European doll collector
-A princess that failed and got a sex change
- An orangatang that was studied by Jane Goodal
-The dinosaur in this picture: Click
-a vulture
-a tree that was made into a rocking horse
-A knite
-A student of Sophocles


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